1.2 On despair. Finding emotional attachment

Growing up, I always had a feeling that I couldn't feel. I would sit around and look at others have fun and would wonder what it would feel like to have fun. I longed for the feeling of joy. Was joy found in doing stuff or was it found at the end of doing stuff? What made the kids laugh while they we're running after the ball, what were they thinking? Was that joy?

I have come to accept that joy is joy. And that fun comes the ritual of doing, but I still have questions about developing emotional attachment. For the next few sections I will seek to elaborate.

When I think about emotional attachment, I think about my mother. I love my mom. I love my mom because I just do. With this love comes respect a feeling to want to do stuff for her that will make her happy. I suppose this bond was supposed to be both for learning about emotions and for teaching the actions of emotional attachment.

Another way I can speak about emotional attachment is in thinking about my wife. I love my wife. I feel. The strongest bond to her. I'm not happy when she is not around, and I'm not happy when she is sad. I want to do all I can for her so that she can always be full of joy. When I think about her I don't th about me. I become secondary. I want for her to achieve all that she can do all she can be all she can. and I want to help her do these things. I respect her, try m best to be kind to her, basically do all that is good for her. Try my best to please her.

Still. I wonder if what I have just described is an expression of emotional attachment or stalking. Are the lines that thin? And still I will say I love my wife because I do. That love and joy and fun are different forms of the same thing.
Lucas Fontenelle

Chapter 1.1 On despair: deconstructing disappointment

So I have been in this place for seven years, and now I going on eight. There have been a few victories, marginal ones, but many, many, many, moments of disappointment. I say disappointment here because I was not happy about the outcome, or the expectations of these events. They were about school, or they were about life, they were about family, about being married or sometimes just about random shit.

Disappointment, to me, is failing to realize the expected outcome of a situation that is especially important. This suggests that there has to be some emotional investment in the outcome of an event for it to be disappointing. For example if some random persons child performs poorly at an activity, it is very rare that many people will be disappointed. This is chiefly because of the lack of emotional attachment of the general public to some random kid's success. On the other hand we share disappointment with our brother's or sisters failure, because of our emotional attachment.

I may seem to be deconstructing the concept of disappointment in order to find hope, but please bear with me. It is for a reason.

Preface. This is what I was taught to believe

In my native culture, one of the highest forms of spiritual growth is the belief or capacity of hope. Our people believe that all circumstances will become better, that all that ails us will stop ailing us some time in the future. There are so many examples of adversity that becomes overcome by hope that it could probably take the rest of my life to explain or discuss them. And, this is what I will try to do with this blog. I will try to find hope by vicarious experience. Find peace from the perceived belief in the goodness of man, and in the positive fate of mother nature. Here I will try to find hope in my self and in others by taking time to explain and discover why my people have hope, why I should have hope, and hopefully, why you should believe in hope.

It should seem obvious by now that I am loosing hope in the goodness of the universe. Still, by taking time to write this note it may also become clear to you that somewhere deep inside of me I believe that I should believe. But there is turmoil or what the psychologists would call cognitive dissonance. I think that I should have hope, but the universe is not showing me a sign. Or, is it that I am so blinded by all that is going on around me that I cannot see the goodness, or the positive outcome?

Take this journey with me, let us see if we should validate the concept of hope.

They say the pen is mightier than the sword.

Some folks believe that words have the power to change the way that people think and feel. That words express within us what we sometimes fail to utter, see or even consider. Still, some others say that words help to educate us.

In this book store there are thousands of books and millions of words. And the books in here are only a fraction of all the books that exist. After all of the actions of the pen, humans are for the most part the same. So the question becomes is the pen mightier than the sword? Or does the power of the pen depend on who the word touch?

On making piles

I love people who can make lists and organize stuff into neat stacks. This shows power, and a willingness to go against the natural order.

My question. For the day then is - is going against the natural order better?
Lucas Fontenelle

Waiting for the snow

The weather folks say ten inches tonight. Its been rather calm outside, so I believe them. White christmas for us! Hooray.
Lucas Fontenelle

happy holidayz

THESE ARE THE DAYS FOR THE HOLIDAYS MERRY CHRISHANAKWANZA AND SOLSTACE TOO.