Taking time to think

I have decided to make this publication a little more personal. To share more. I heard somewhere that compulsive over sharing is a sign of manic depression [bipolar disorder].  I suppose that i am not disordered in this way.
I have lived most of my life keeping my life private.  mostly because my mother in her infinite wisdom, figured that my grandmother [dad's mom] had some king of vendata against her. and that she (grandma) would try to affect us (dads kids) in order to affect her (mama). A little crazy?  Well not really.

In our culture, these things are acceptable.  The people of the Caribbean know full well that in small communities jealousy, and hate can be part of our lives.  This is the case in many cultures.  In the Caribbean, however, people  will not miss an opportunity to share their feelings... mostly good, but definitely bad.

So protection gone awry, I don't share any thing.  Its really sad.

Today is the day that I am willing to share.  And I shall. So listen.

Keys

A key does not have any function if there is no lock. Another way to put it ... Without a lock, a key is worthless. But is a lock worthless without a key? Up to a point.

A lock will keep a door closed for ever, a lock will prevent information, ideas, people, thieves, water from flowing into and out of a gate or door. Thus without a key a lock will protect, isolate, provide a sense of security, prevent movement. Whichever side of the gate one or ones information or ones belongings are it will remain forever- without a key.

Keys on the other hand allow for doors and gates to be opened, they work with the lock to provide security, and allow openings for freedom, keys open doors to better things (and worst things too).  Keys enable the movement of information because they allow a lock to fully realize its potential.

I am like a master key. But  need a sense of purpose to continue. Thus I am always searching for a lock. One that is rigid and diligently keeps doing its job no matter what the weather is like.

If you just smile

I believe that that we can all get along if we try to be nice to each other.  And think about the other like would like to think about ourselves.

I wonder who invented toilet paper

Toilet paper probably changed the lives of the folks who used leaves, cloth newspaper or plain old water. To choose between not comfortable and just icky. Hmmm
But cut down some trees and turn it into paper to wipe our arses.
Changed our lives for good.

Why.

I am a selfish mindless twit, it about anyone that doesn't give a shit about any one but myself.
in all of that I am not all good.
I run.
to a happy place called solitude.
where no one
nothing
can make my life more difficult.
But my life is good, I tell myself
while i do what the man tells me to do.

and that i dont think, or have no idea
of what being or thinking about the other
means.

being alone sucks, being the victim
is a bad place to be.
but how can we live if we live without
life to enjoy the moments

still, i am a mindless twit.
with no compassion for the other.
because the other is happy.

me in my perpetual sadness, with the facade of
composed.

still I am a wondering darkness with a place in this world.

Half empty?

So I am at a little of a standstill, bit off a little more than I could chew. And now I'm sitting here, mouth full slowly, and patiently working my amylose glands to capacity. I feel a little overwhelmed. My mouth is full, my stomach is full and still I want more.

Its been a whole week and I am doing this so that I can get back on track on my other publication. I think I took a wrong turn. Well, not really, what I took was a hard turn. I mean how can I speak of others truly without looking at me?
Well that was the plan. So ill get back to my book. Now that I am full of work, and little time to spend on my ambitious project of discovering me.
Lucas Fontenelle

i feel unmotivated.

shits not going the way i planned and there is noting i can do about it .  should i play or keep chugging along?

1.3 On despair: Can emotional attachment just "be" - or is there work to it?

I said  the previous section that that I can just love. I said that all I need to do about emotional attachment was to declare it. We must, for the purpose of discovery, consider the opposing view. Therefore, i will consider the following possible truths:*
     I cannot declare that I am having joy without doing something to get there. 
     Bliss is obtained through ritual, and when I declare my love for someone, something or some event,   
    it requires work on my part.

I cannot "just" love my mother or my friend, I have to do stuff to show or grow the emotional attachment. Otherwise, people become possessions, like the ipod or the big flashy car or the designer wardrobe (even with these things, because of the emotional attachment many still enjoy the ritual of taking care of them).  When i declare my love i have to prove my love.  In the case of my mother, I must show her respect, i must listen to her impart her wisdom, I should strive to look after her wellbeing, and must be there for her in her time of need.  In the case of my friend, i must be there for him when he needs me, I should make time for play and I should be willing to tell him the truth even if it hurts.  All of these actions build attachments, they help forward trust and they make a friend or a significant other more than an object, or a stranger.  In summary: One cannot declare love.  One needs to grow love.

So how emotional attachment this tie in to despair, and is there ever going to be hope? Simply put they are all feelings.  But to be more specific,  I'll share part of the story of my elementary school years. Growing up I knew many people, loved three, trusted two. I didn't interact with my peers much, didn't talk to many people. Basically I was a loner. I learnt to become self sufficient, did what I had to, invented the tools that I was not privy to. I didn't want people in my space and if they came I would find a way to make them vamoose. I am still in many ways this person. It is a struggle to change. More later.

* since most opinions are based on ones emotions, and that all emotions are true, the anti thesis to just be is also true.

1.2 On despair. Finding emotional attachment

Growing up, I always had a feeling that I couldn't feel. I would sit around and look at others have fun and would wonder what it would feel like to have fun. I longed for the feeling of joy. Was joy found in doing stuff or was it found at the end of doing stuff? What made the kids laugh while they we're running after the ball, what were they thinking? Was that joy?

I have come to accept that joy is joy. And that fun comes the ritual of doing, but I still have questions about developing emotional attachment. For the next few sections I will seek to elaborate.

When I think about emotional attachment, I think about my mother. I love my mom. I love my mom because I just do. With this love comes respect a feeling to want to do stuff for her that will make her happy. I suppose this bond was supposed to be both for learning about emotions and for teaching the actions of emotional attachment.

Another way I can speak about emotional attachment is in thinking about my wife. I love my wife. I feel. The strongest bond to her. I'm not happy when she is not around, and I'm not happy when she is sad. I want to do all I can for her so that she can always be full of joy. When I think about her I don't th about me. I become secondary. I want for her to achieve all that she can do all she can be all she can. and I want to help her do these things. I respect her, try m best to be kind to her, basically do all that is good for her. Try my best to please her.

Still. I wonder if what I have just described is an expression of emotional attachment or stalking. Are the lines that thin? And still I will say I love my wife because I do. That love and joy and fun are different forms of the same thing.
Lucas Fontenelle

Chapter 1.1 On despair: deconstructing disappointment

So I have been in this place for seven years, and now I going on eight. There have been a few victories, marginal ones, but many, many, many, moments of disappointment. I say disappointment here because I was not happy about the outcome, or the expectations of these events. They were about school, or they were about life, they were about family, about being married or sometimes just about random shit.

Disappointment, to me, is failing to realize the expected outcome of a situation that is especially important. This suggests that there has to be some emotional investment in the outcome of an event for it to be disappointing. For example if some random persons child performs poorly at an activity, it is very rare that many people will be disappointed. This is chiefly because of the lack of emotional attachment of the general public to some random kid's success. On the other hand we share disappointment with our brother's or sisters failure, because of our emotional attachment.

I may seem to be deconstructing the concept of disappointment in order to find hope, but please bear with me. It is for a reason.

Preface. This is what I was taught to believe

In my native culture, one of the highest forms of spiritual growth is the belief or capacity of hope. Our people believe that all circumstances will become better, that all that ails us will stop ailing us some time in the future. There are so many examples of adversity that becomes overcome by hope that it could probably take the rest of my life to explain or discuss them. And, this is what I will try to do with this blog. I will try to find hope by vicarious experience. Find peace from the perceived belief in the goodness of man, and in the positive fate of mother nature. Here I will try to find hope in my self and in others by taking time to explain and discover why my people have hope, why I should have hope, and hopefully, why you should believe in hope.

It should seem obvious by now that I am loosing hope in the goodness of the universe. Still, by taking time to write this note it may also become clear to you that somewhere deep inside of me I believe that I should believe. But there is turmoil or what the psychologists would call cognitive dissonance. I think that I should have hope, but the universe is not showing me a sign. Or, is it that I am so blinded by all that is going on around me that I cannot see the goodness, or the positive outcome?

Take this journey with me, let us see if we should validate the concept of hope.